Tuesday, January 4, 2011

January 4: Oh My God

Letter: K
CD Number: 16
Track Number 18

Song: “Oh My God” by Kaiser Chiefs off the album Employment
Here it hear


The Twenty-Something-Year-Old Man opens door and props. He places a briefcase next to a filing cabinet and sits down at the large desk. He nods and offers a slight wave as a coworker walks by.

TWENTY-SOMETHING-YEAR-OLD MAN (in monologue to no one/self/audience)

So this is my desk. And my office. Here it is.

Pounds desk excitedly

Whew! Excellent! I’ve got a desk. And an office. And a computer! What looks to be a very sweet computer. This is…amazing. Nay, spectacular. No, no…SENSATIONAL!

Thrusts hands in the air as if a champion

I have arrived! All my friends have cubicles or are working retail or going to grad school and here I am, with an office! If Miss Carlton could just see me now. Needs to put forth more effort in his studies my ass! I was just pacing myself. For here, now. I work here now, Miss Carlton. You, teach sixth grade. Woo!

Pauses, runs hand over desk, slightly adjusts items. After a moment, brings head down quickly onto desk.

Oh no…what was I thinking?!

Looks back up, facial muscles constricted in a grimace.

I’m barely twenty-three. Why am I not in grad school? Or at the mall? Or in a cubicle? What the hell were they thinking giving me this job? What the hell was I thinking taking it?! I don’t deserve an office or a desk or a computer. I sure as hell don’t deserve a bookcase! I don’t even have a bookcase in my apartment right now.

Walks over and stands in front of bookcase.

I think I own, like, 12 books. Shouldn’t have sold them all after college. Everyone told me, “You’ll want to hang on to some of those.” But nooooooo! I was all, “I prefer concert tickets. And booze.” Stupid! How am I going to fill this thing? How long do I have to fill it? That should have been part of the orientation. I bet if it is empty after a month, I’ll start to get dirty looks. If that. Probably won’t even give me a month. God, I hate this company! Everyone here is so judgmental!

Breathes deeply, clasps hands behind head. Walks back towards desk.

No. No. They aren’t. I’m just projecting. Everything is fine. It is my first day, some nerves are to be expected. Perfectly normal. They wouldn’t have hired me if they didn’t think that I could do it. Yes, right. Just a little normal first day jitters. Fine…

Starts to sit, before jumping back up to rigid standing position.

Except…except it is entirely possible that I fooled them. Some kind of… “halo effect.” That’s what my professor called it.

Begins to pace.

I look good on paper. I do well at interviews. But really, I am a ticking time bomb of incompetence. Just waiting to burst! Oh. Oh. This is going to be awful. How am I going to keep this up?

Sees co-worker out of corner of his eye and stops pacing. He smiles, big and fake, and throws out a wave. Waits a moment to make sure the co-worker is really gone. Pacing recommences.

Not good. Not good!  But…I bet I can do six months. Six months would not be so bad. Give me some time to make a little money… a nest egg if you will. Yeah, that’d be good.

Posture and pacing became noticeably more upbeat.

Maybe I quit just before they fire me. Probably not though. But that’s okay. Either way, go nonprofit. Talk in interviews about “corporate mechanisms” and “chasing wealth” and “coming to realize the hollowness of it all.” Imply I was fired for trying to go against the grain, to make us be better stewards of our world. Oooo, yeah. Nice. That’d work.

Then, five, ten years later, go private again. Won’t have to talk about this job and even if I do, no one here will remember me by then. I can spin the story however I want. Say I went non-profit because of….well, whatever disaster is happening six months from now. “It woke me up a bit.” Oh! But why am I leaving the non-profit then? Damn.

Flops in chair, deflated. Pops up again a moment later.

No. Got it. Challenge!

Makes broad gesture, like outlining a sign. Over annunciates.

Ch-all-en-ge!

Gleefully claps hands

Yeeeeeeeees! “I still plan to volunteer to stay involved, but it was time to challenge myself personally and professionally.” Perfect! Like that I’ll be back in! Just in time to start a family, buy a house…all those big ticket items.

Lowers self back in chair, recollects self.

Phew. Okay. Yeah. Good. Okay. Got a plan. Nice. Six months here. I can do that. And who knows. Maybe I won’t get fired. Probably will, but still…maybe not. Yeah. Alright. Time to get to work then.

Turns to computer, turns on monitor, plays with mouse, types, whatever. Business business, if you will. It all looks fine. Then he stops and his expression becomes panicked.

Unless—

So, what do you think? Enjoy it? If so, feel free to follow me on Twitter (@UnGajje) for various bon mots and links directing you to the newest updates on this site as well as my other various writing gigs (Marvel, Complaint of the Week at the Living Room Times, and New Paris Press, set to debut shortly although information may be available before then here). If not it was not so enjoyable for you, feel free to tell me that too. And still check me out at all those things above. One of them you are bound to like more.

Feedback or questions? Offer them up here or drop me a note at the aforementioned Twitter account, tim[dot]g[dot]stevens[at]gmail[dot]com or Facebook. I am especially looking for messages with song suggestions for the four "fan guided" posts.

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