Writer's Commentary: I Can Do it Without You

On Post: I Can Do It Without You

Date: January 17

Find it here

As noted previously, I’ll be a dad soon. (Fingers crossed) I blame that reality for this entry.

Look, there’s no two ways about it. I went for sentimentality here and I…I just whiffed. The set up is there. In the abstract, I think it could work. But it doesn’t.

I am not entirely sure why either. Or rather, I’m not sure what I’d do differently now to make the sentimentality work. The pieces seem in place and seem arranged properly. But the emotion is not.

My only idea for improvement is if you could film it. A minute to two minute clip of a kid pushing dad away before coming to him and thanking for his help would kill. Think of commercials with kids on television. They do this sort of thing all the time and pluck the heart strings nicely.

Actually, I think I may have just hit on the real problem. I was, consciously or not, trying to elicit the same feeling(s) as those commercials with words as opposed to images. It can be done, it just needs more work and I did not put enough on the page to bridge that gap.

Also, the kid’s final speech? Waaaaaaay too precocious.

Just because the Project has ended doesn't mean I still don't value your feedback. Feel free to let me know on Twitter (@UnGajje) or drop me a note at tim[dot]g[dot]stevens[at]gmail[dot]com or on Facebook. If you see anything you like, I am all over the net too, so please check out my other works at Marvel, Complaint of the Week at the Living Room Times, and New Paris Press (which is now up and running) or my various 140 character missives on that Twitter account.